SQL Server Performance

FF

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by Madhivanan, May 4, 2007.

  1. Madhivanan Moderator

    Got this from my friend


    For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on...

    If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might sound something like this:


    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at windows?
    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
    COSTELLO: No, for the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
    have?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
    What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on
    the Internet?
    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
    ABBOTT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great! With what?
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1".
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
    ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?
    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
    COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    A few days later . . . .


    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
    ABBOTT: Click on "START".......
    If you're old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, you'll appreciate this.


    Madhivanan

    Failing to plan is Planning to fail
  2. Luis Martin Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Yes A&C, and yes to old to understand.<br /><br /><br />Luis Martin<br />Moderator<br />SQL-Server-Performance.com<br /><br /><font size="1">All in Love is Fair <br />Stevie Wonder<br /></font id="size1"><br /><br /><font size="1">All postings are provided �AS IS� with no warranties for accuracy.</font id="size1"><br /><br /><br /><br />
  3. FrankKalis Moderator

    ??? [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
  4. MohammedU New Member

    Here is one I got long back from one of my fried....


    The following is the conversation between Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.
    Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.
    Lallo : Oh yes! In most govt. offices we have the single window clearance concept.
    Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
    Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burglaries in our house.
    Gates (Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?
    Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes I had a Hernia operation last month.
    Gates (Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
    Lallo : Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are sleeping under the net.
    Gates : By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
    Lallo : We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
    Gates (Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
    Lallo : My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
    Gates (Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM.
    Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly available in A.P..
    Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system crashes.
    Lallo : I have exhuasted all my leave.
    Gates : I have no energy left let us go out and have a bite.
    Lallo : BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
    Gates : (System Crashes and Found Missing). "Windows is restarting.Please wait............."


    MohammedU.
    Moderator
    SQL-Server-Performance.com

    All postings are provided “AS IS” with no warranties for accuracy.
  5. FrankKalis Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>

Share This Page