SQL Server Performance


Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by satya, May 26, 2006.

  1. satya Moderator

    A woman hails a cab in NYC, jumps in and says to the cabbie. "T.G.I.F."
    The cabbie just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Huh?"
    She repeats, "T.G.I.F."
    The cabbie thinks about that for a moment and says, "S.H.I.T."
    Not understanding, she inquires about the meaning of the acronym.
    The cabbie responds, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday!"

    * Buy a Pentium 686/300, so you can reboot faster.
    * 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2 (especially with the old Pentium chip).
    * Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
    * My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
    * Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.
    * The name is Baud... James Baud.
    * Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
    * C: Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
    * Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! STAAAY...
    * Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or file name!"
    * As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
    * Backups? We don't need no stinking backups.
    * E Pluribus Modem
    * C: File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
    * A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
    * An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
    * CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
    * A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
    * 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
    * Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
    * Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
    * SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
    * RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
    * All computers wait at the same speed.
    * Computer (dfn): A device designed to speed and automate errors.
    * Press to continue ...Smash forehead on keyboard to continue... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Just do something!!
    * E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
    * Help! I've modemed and I can't hang up!!
    * All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
    * Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
    * "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
    * Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
    * Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
    * Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
    * Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
    * Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
    * Read my chips: No new upgrades!
    * Hit any user to continue.
    * 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
    * I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
    * Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
    * Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
    * Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit
    * (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
    * If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
    * Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
    * Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."
    * Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
    * Relax, it's only ONES and ZEROS!
    * Will configure ones and zeros for food!
  2. smy New Member

    Good excuses to use for a programmer..hehehe...
    * My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
    * Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put in new ones.

    * Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

    I, as a programmer do carry screwdrivers around too....haha..so beware of me??!!

    I like that..

  3. Madhivanan Moderator



    Failing to plan is Planning to fail
  4. ranjitjain New Member

    LOL<br />[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]
  5. ghemant Moderator

    <img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' /><br /><br />Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />ghemant@gmail.com<br />"Humans don't have Caliber to PASS TIME , Time it self Pass or Fail Humans" - by Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />
  6. Luis Martin Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Luis Martin<br />Moderator<br />SQL-Server-Performance.com<br /><br /><font size="1">Although nature commences with reason and ends in experience it is necessary for us to do the opposite, that is to commence with experience and from this to proceed to investigate the reason.<br />Leonardo Da Vinci<br /></font id="size1"><br /><font size="1"> Nunca esperes el reconocimiento de tus hijos, eso ocurrirá luego de tu muerte<br /></font id="size1"><br /><br /><font size="1">All postings are provided “AS IS” with no warranties for accuracy.</font id="size1"><br /><br /><br /><br />
  7. satya Moderator

    * Read my chips: No new upgrades! <br />* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?<br />* C: File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)<br />* 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.<br />... funny ones from the list...<br /><br />Anyway TGIF...hoohoo (a long weekend for us too)[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br /><hr noshade size="1"><b>Satya SKJ</b><br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Contributing Editor & Forums Moderator<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com>http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com</a><br /><center><font color="teal"><font size="1">This posting is provided “AS IS” with no rights for the sake of <i>knowledge sharing.</i></font id="size1"></font id="teal"></center>
  8. FrankKalis Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a><br />Heute schon gebloggt?<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de/blogs>http://www.insidesql.de/blogs</a><br />Ich unterstuetze PASS Deutschland e.V. <a target="_blank" href=http://www.sqlpass.de>http://www.sqlpass.de</a>)

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