SQL Server Performance

Friday funnies......

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by satya, Dec 19, 2003.

  1. satya Moderator

    What does MVS stand for?
    More Volume Sales
    Man vs. System
    Many VSE Systems
    Moves Very Slowly
    How do you keep a DB2 DBA in suspense?
    I'll tell you tomorrow

    Sysprog: Is your batch job running?
    Application Programmer: Yes
    Sysprog: Well you better go catch it.

    A systems programmer was at lunch with some Data Processing auditors. The waitress asks the sysprog what he wants for lunch and he says "Pork chops". She says "What about the vegetables?". The sysprog says "Oh they can order for themselves".

    Elvis and Jesus are editing their programs on TSO when the system crashes. Who lost their files?
    Elvis. (Because Jesus Saves)
    Enjoy the weekend...... folks...[8D]

    _________
    Satya SKJ
    Moderator
    SQL-Server-Performance.Com
  2. Luis Martin Moderator

    And I think the only clown in Forum was Frank and Luis, wellcome Satya[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-3.gif' alt=':eek:' />)].<br /><br /><br />Luis Martin<br /><br />...Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. <br />Bertrand Russell
  3. satya Moderator

    ... a last one .. before I go
    Why did the systems programmer cross the road?
    To recreate the problem...

    _________
    Satya SKJ
    Moderator
    SQL-Server-Performance.Com
  4. FrankKalis Moderator

    Hey Luis, I might rethink my punch an old man statement [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />Nothing wrong with being a clown...when the time is right<br /><br />Take this<br /><br />Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain. <br />FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.<br />FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.<br />FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.<br />COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.<br />BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.<br />PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.<br />C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).<br />ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.<br />ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.<br />Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.<br />LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.<br />PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.<br />FORTH: A go-cart.<br />LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.<br />APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.<br />Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.<br />Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle. <br /><br />...<br />There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks. <br />...<br /><br />Software Development Cycle<br /><br /><br />Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. <br />Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. <br />Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. <br />Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. <br />Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. <br />Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. <br />Users find 137 new bugs. <br />Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. <br />Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. <br />Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. <br />Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. <br />New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. <br />Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free... <br /><br />...<br /><br />In the beginning God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word. <br />And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good. <br />And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. <br />And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware. <br />And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory. <br />And God said - I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data. <br />And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows. <br />And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. <br />And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. <br />But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs? <br />And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. <br />And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. <br />And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it. <br />So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. <br />And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to ! <br />And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. <br />And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. <br />And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. <br />And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. <br />GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT <br /><br />...<br />CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms<br /><br />CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months<br />PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms<br />ISDN: It Still Does Nothing<br />SCSI: System Can't See It<br />MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed<br />DOS: Defunct Operating System<br />WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System<br />OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too<br />PnP: Plug and Pray<br />APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity<br />IBM: I Blame Microsoft<br />DEC: Do Expect Cuts<br />MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers<br />CA: Constant Acquisitions<br />COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language<br />LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses<br />MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs<br />AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.<br />WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Frank<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a><br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.familienzirkus.de>http://www.familienzirkus.de</a>
  5. FrankKalis Moderator

    Aah, I like this one
    ...but it's TOP SECRET !!!



    /*
    TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
    Project: Chicago(tm)

    Projected release-date:
    Summer 1994, Spring 1995

    */

    #include <stdio.h>
    #include <dos.h>
    #include <conio.h>
    #include "win31.h"
    #include "evenmore.h"
    #include "oldstuff.h"
    #include "billrulz.h"


    /*
    Reference:
    Internal memo #99281-95 from:
    William H. Gates III
    to:
    Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project

    William H. Gates III wrote:
    "I have seriouu doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition. It
    might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
    _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.

    Carry on,
    God Bill
    "
    */
    #define INSTALL = HARD

    void main()
    {
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
    display_copyright_message();
    display_bill_rules_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    if(first_time_installation)
    {
    make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
    do_nothing_loop();
    totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
    search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
    hang_system();
    }
    write_something(anything);
    display_copyright_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    do_some_stuff();
    if(still_not_crashed)
    {
    display_copyright_message();
    do_nothing_loop();
    basically_run_windows_3.1();
    do_nothing_loop();
    do_nothing_loop();
    }
    }

    /*
    Reference:
    Internal memo #99683-95 from:
    Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
    to:
    William H. Gates III

    Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
    "Dear Sir,
    Since we have found that this last piece of code within the
    'if'-statement will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in
    the final code. This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of
    consumer-diskspace!

    Thank you for listening to us,
    the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
    "
    */

    /*
    if(still_not_crashed)
    {
    write_cheer();
    finished();
    }
    */

    create_general_protection_fault();
    }

    Frank
    http://www.insidesql.de
    http://www.familienzirkus.de
  6. Luis Martin Moderator

    I use this, no neccesary open other.<br />Low activity today, write?.<br />I gess people are thinking more in Christmas than sql. <br />What? There is another life?, are you shure?.<br /><br />Ok, I'll try.....[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';)' />]<br /><br />Luis Martin<br /><br />...Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. <br />Bertrand Russell

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