SQL Server Performance

not for anyone easily offended

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by joechang, Jul 10, 2007.

  1. joechang New Member

    Atheist
    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

    "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
    The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
    The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
    And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

    Alaska
    Tom had been in the liquor (lets make him a DBA here) business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
    "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.
    "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
    "Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

    big game hunter
    The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
    But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
    They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer his time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
    The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
    He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"
    His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

    Confessions of a Man...
    I had never understood why the sexual needs between men and women are so different. I never understood all this idiocy of women being from Venus and the men from Mars. And I never understood why men think with their head and the women with their hearts.

    But, one night, my wife and I went to bed. And well, we started caressing, and the inevitable occurred...when I was ready at this moment, she told me: "Right now I don't feel like making love, and I only want you to hold me!" (This she said with a cynical face...) I said! WHHAAATT???" Then she told me those magical words of all women: "You don't know how to connect with my emotional needs as a woman".

    F---K ME! Finally, the object of the night was not to fight, hide the aphrodisiac oils, put out the candles, turn off the CD of Alejandro Sanz, put away the champagne. I took a cold icy shower to see if I could calm the "beast" and put on the Discovery channel on TV, at full volume so the daughter of my mother-in-law could not sleep.

    The next day we went shopping, we entered a department store, I went to see some watches while she tried on 3 expensive dresses. Like a woman, she could not decide between one or the other, I said take all three. Then she told me she would need 3 pairs of shoes at $150 each pair, to which I answered it sounds fine. After we went to the sportswear department and left with some jackets with feathers and a Louis Vuitton purse, or some imitation of them. SHE WAS SO EXCITED! I think she thought I had gone crazy, but she brought them along. I think she was testing me when she asked for a very short skirt for playing tennis, when she doesn't know how to run, let alone play tennis.

    Imagine the shock when I told her to buy everything that she wants. She was almost sexually excited after all this: lets go to the cashier to pay. It was here when, I apologize, we were only one person from paying, I said: "No my love, I believe right now I don't feel like buying all of this..." I wish you had seen her face, how pale it went when I said: "I only want you to hold me". She began to put on a face of such dismay, it paralyzed the left side of her body. I gave a nervous tic of the right eye and told her: "You don't know how to connect with the financial needs of a man"
  2. ndinakar Member

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] i read the "confessions of a man" somewhere earlier but got a kick out of reading it again.. The big game hunter is hilarious [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />***********************<br />Dinakar Nethi<br />SQL Server MVP<br />***********************<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/dinakar/>http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/dinakar/</a>
  3. Luis Martin Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Luis Martin<br />Moderator<br />SQL-Server-Performance.com<br /><br /><font size="1">All in Love is Fair <br />Stevie Wonder<br /></font id="size1"><br /><br /><font size="1">All postings are provided “AS IS” with no warranties for accuracy.</font id="size1"><br /><br /><br /><br />
  4. FrankKalis Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Contributing Editor, Writer & Forum Moderator<a target="_blank" href=http://www.sql-server-performance.com>http://www.sql-server-performance.com</a><br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
  5. thomas New Member

    I'm offended. I thought this was going to be ruder!
  6. joechang New Member

    ok, lets try:

    Life's Three Certainties
    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
    "May I help you?" she asked.
    "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
    "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, the man calmly left.
    The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
    Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
    The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
    The man replied, "South Carolina."
    "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
    "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance. "
    The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer

    Involuntary Muscular Contractions
    A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

    She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

    The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class

  7. thomas New Member

    Excellent, keep it up Joe!
  8. FrankKalis Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Contributing Editor, Writer & Forum Moderator<a target="_blank" href=http://www.sql-server-performance.com>http://www.sql-server-performance.com</a><br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
  9. jaybee New Member

    The "Lawyer" joke is fairly hot off the press....<br /><br /><img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />
  10. ndinakar Member

    hmm I am not sure if I understood the >>>> She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
    part.

    ***********************
    Dinakar Nethi
    ***********************
    http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/dinakar/
  11. spirit1 New Member

    the ass hole in her case was her husband/boyfriend which could not give her an orgasm.<br />so while he's away (deer hunting probably) she's geting an orgasm from someone else.<br />A woman in my world [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />_______________________________________________<br />Causing trouble since 1980<br />blog:<a target="_blank" href=http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/mladenp>http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/mladenp</a>
  12. ndinakar Member

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]Now that I read it again, it was indeed funny... [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />Where are you getting all these from Joe? [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';)' />]<br /><br />***********************<br />Dinakar Nethi<br />***********************<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/dinakar/>http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/dinakar/</a>

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