SQL Server Performance

Some of best Computer Jokes

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by ghemant, Aug 5, 2005.

  1. ghemant Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />1) You've been programming too long when<br /> <br />When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".<br /><br />When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.<br /><br />When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. <br /> <br />When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.<br /><br />When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"<br /><br />When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. <br /><br />When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.<br /><br />When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. <br /><br />When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.<br /><br />When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.<br /> <br />2) Great Writer <br />There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.<br /><br />When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" <br /><br />He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.<br /> <br />3)<br />Is Windows a Virus <br />No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:<br /><br />1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.<br /><br />2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. <br /><br />3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.<br /><br />4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too. <br /><br />5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.<br /><br />Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. <br /><br />So Windows is not a virus.<br /><br />It's a bug.<br /> <br />4)<br />Computer Users <br />Computer users are divided into three types:<br /><br />Novice, Intermediate and Expert.<br /><br />Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.<br /><br />Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. <br /><br />Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.<br /> <br />5) <br />Disney Password<br /> <br />My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.<br /><br />I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.<br /><br />"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."<br /> <br /> [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';)' />]<br /> <br /><br /><br />hsGoswami<br />ghemant@gmail.com<br />"Humans don't have Caliber to PASS TIME , Time it self Pass or Fail Humans" - by Hemant Goswami<br />
  2. FrankKalis Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a><br />Ich unterstütze PASS Deutschland e.V. <a target="_blank" href=http://www.sqlpass.de>http://www.sqlpass.de</a>) <br />
  3. Luis Martin Moderator

    3)[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Luis Martin<br />Moderator<br />SQL-Server-Performance.com<br /><br /><font size="1">One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important<br />Bertrand Russell<br /></font id="size1"><br /><br /><font size="1">All postings are provided “AS IS” with no warranties for accuracy.</font id="size1"><br /><br /><br /><br />

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