SQL Server Performance

Subject: New Company Policies

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by joechang, Jun 29, 2007.

  1. joechang New Member

    EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:
    Company Policy:
    Effective May 31, 2007

    Dress Code
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Sick Days
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    Personal Days
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    Bereavement Leave
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
    We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    Toilet Use
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

    Lunch Break
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
    concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
    insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
    and input should be directed elsewhere.


  2. FrankKalis Moderator

    Greetings from Dilbert. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Contributing Editor, Writer & Forum Moderator<a target="_blank" href=http://www.sql-server-performance.com>http://www.sql-server-performance.com</a><br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
  3. Madhivanan Moderator

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Madhivanan<br /><br />Failing to plan is Planning to fail
  4. DilliGrg Member

    I like Dress Code, Sick Days and Personal Days.[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br /><pre id="code"><font face="courier" size="2" id="code"><br /><br />Name<br />--------- <br />Dilli Grg <br /><br />(1 row(s) affected)<br /></font id="code"></pre id="code">

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