SQL Server Performance

Things that make you feel like more of a man...

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by benwilson, Sep 14, 2005.

  1. benwilson New Member

    I know it's only Thursday, but i am off on holdays this afternoon so wont be round for the Friday funnies (and i wanted to make sure i get my 250th post before i go <img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';-)' /><br /><br />So, without further ado, here they are- 23 things that make you feel like much more of a man.....<br /><br />1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.<br /><br />2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman, but even saying it to kids makes you the man.<br /><br />3. DOING A PROPER TACKLE - A Shane Webke hit is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously getting the player to knock the ball on, getting the ball back and crippling the man. Magic.<br /><br />4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?<br /><br />5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving and lifting as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish.<br /><br />6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go," and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.<br /><br />7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.<br /><br />8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt??" "Nahhhh."<br /><br />9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When sheilas have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grrrrr, what does it look like?"<br /><br />10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past," it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".<br /><br />11. USING POWER TOOLS - especially ones slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.<br /><br />12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! "How about that Stewy? I kick so hard I set off car alarms."<br /><br />13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.<br /><br />14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork crackling.<br /><br />15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.<br /><br />16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?<br /><br />17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, Mitre 10 would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.<br /><br />18. TAKING OUT $600 FROM AN ATM- okay, so it's for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.<br /><br />19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike sheilas, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Wig and Pen it is then. Seven. See ya."<br /><br />20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.<br /><br />21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.<br /><br />22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off? Oh nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".<br /><br />23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, girl?"<br /><br /><br />'I reject your reality and substitute my own' - Adam Savage
  2. FrankKalis Moderator

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><br />I know it's only Thursday, but i am off on holdays this afternoon so wont be round for the Friday funnies (and i wanted to make sure i get my 250th post before i go <img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';-)' /><br /><hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></font id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"><br />I guess in that case you are excused. Enjoy your holidays! [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a><br />Ich unterstütze PASS Deutschland e.V. <a target="_blank" href=http://www.sqlpass.de>http://www.sqlpass.de</a>) <br />
  3. satya Moderator

    PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car's got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

    Make sure your car has reverse parking and be a Oz best driver [8D]... enjoy your break.. there is world outthere apart from SQL Server.

    Satya SKJ
    Moderator
    http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com/forum
    This posting is provided “AS IS” with no rights for the sake of knowledge sharing.

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