SQL Server Performance

Top 20 Replies

Discussion in 'The Lighter Side of Being a DBA' started by ramkumar.mu, Nov 27, 2006.

Page 1 of 2

  1. ramkumar.mu New Member

    Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do
    not work...

    20. "That's weird..."
    19. "It's never done that before."
    18. "It worked yesterday."
    17. "How is that possible?"
    16. "It must be a hardware problem."
    15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
    14. "There is something wrong in your data."
    13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
    12. "You must have the wrong version."
    11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
    10. "I can't test everything!"
    9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
    8. "It works, but I havn't been tested."
    7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
    6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
    5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it
    work?
    4. "You can't use that version on your system."
    3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
    2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

    And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their
    programs don't work:

    1. "It works on my machine"




    Thanks,
    Ram

    "It is easy to write code for a spec and walk in water, provided, both are freezed..."
    ramkumar.mu, Nov 27, 2006
    #2

  2. Madhivanan Moderator

    ROTFL

    I like 1

    Madhivanan

    Failing to plan is Planning to fail
    Madhivanan, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  3. dineshasanka Moderator

    Yes number is the most common reply

    ----------------------------------------
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    http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com

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    http://dineshasanka.spaces.live.com/
    dineshasanka, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  4. smy New Member

    "It works on my machine"<br />makes me think of me when my program don't work... [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-4.gif' alt=':p' />]
    smy, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  5. ghemant Moderator

    I like , the most used replies when nothing is left [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-4.gif' alt=':p' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-5.gif' alt=';)' />] <br /> <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote">16. "It must be a hardware problem."<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></font id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"><br /><br />Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />"Humans don't have Caliber to PASS TIME , Time it self Pass or Fail Humans" - by Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />------------------------<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://hemantgirisgoswami.blogspot.com>http://hemantgirisgoswami.blogspot.com</a>
    ghemant, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  6. Roji. P. Thomas New Member

    Roji. P. Thomas, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  7. ghemant Moderator

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by Roji. P. Thomas</i><br /><br />What? In the development server it took only one second!<br /><br /><br />Roji. P. Thomas<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://toponewithties.blogspot.com>http://toponewithties.blogspot.com</a><br /><br /><hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></font id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"><br /><br />[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />"Humans don't have Caliber to PASS TIME , Time it self Pass or Fail Humans" - by Hemantgiri S. Goswami<br />------------------------<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://hemantgirisgoswami.blogspot.com>http://hemantgirisgoswami.blogspot.com</a>
    ghemant, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  8. Madhivanan Moderator

    Your system should have latest service pack updated<br />[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Madhivanan<br /><br />Failing to plan is Planning to fail
    Madhivanan, Nov 28, 2006
    #2

  9. ranjitjain New Member

    [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]
    ranjitjain, Nov 29, 2006
    #2

  10. ramkumar.mu New Member

    Top expressions from programmers when their program didnt work - [B)][:0][V][?][xx(][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-3.gif' alt=':eek:' />)]<br /><br />Thanks,<br />Ram<br /><br />"It is easy to write code for a spec and walk in water, provided, both are freezed..."
    ramkumar.mu, Dec 4, 2006
    #2

  11. FrankKalis Moderator

    Speaking of which, I strongly believe we should handle things like the Klingons:<br /><br />Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer <br /><br />10. Specifications are for the weak and timid! <br />9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! <br />8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! <br />7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. <br />6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. <br />5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. <br />4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code! <br />3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. <br />2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon. <br />1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!<br /><br />My favorites are 9, 4, and 3. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Btw, just found these:<br />"C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary." <br />"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user." <br />"Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best." <br /><br />Sound good, too. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
    FrankKalis, Dec 4, 2006
    #2

  12. bradmcgehee New Member

    Oh, so true. And some people wonder why developers and DBAs don't understand each other. The evidence is here.

    -----------------------------
    Brad M. McGehee, SQL Server MVP
    bradmcgehee, Dec 4, 2006
    #2

  13. Madhivanan Moderator

    What is Klingon? A front end?

    Madhivanan

    Failing to plan is Planning to fail
    Madhivanan, Dec 4, 2006
    #2

  14. FrankKalis Moderator

    Shame on you!!! You don't know Star Trek?!? [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-4.gif' alt=':p' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
    FrankKalis, Dec 4, 2006
    #2

  15. Madhivanan Moderator

    &gt;&gt;Shame on you!!! <br /><br />[<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-6.gif' alt=':(' />]<br /><br />Madhivanan<br /><br />Failing to plan is Planning to fail
    Madhivanan, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  16. judehk New Member

    Have to hold my hand up and say I've used at least one of those before (but it was justified - honest!).

    The one I really hate hearing (but always makes me smile) is : 'Oh that must be a bug in ASP/PHP'

    judehk, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  17. Luis Martin Moderator

    One more:

    Did you try after reboting server?


    Luis Martin
    Moderator
    SQL-Server-Performance.com

    All in Love is Fair
    Stevie Wonder


    All postings are provided “AS IS” with no warranties for accuracy.



    Luis Martin, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  18. bugster New Member

    While working on an old posting issue, I came across this one and being a true db beginner, I believe I have used half of those excuses... lol
    On that note; I do want to thank all of you for your assistance on my past and future issues. It has helped me keep my client happy.

    Thanks

    the
    Bugster
    "The hurrier you go, the behinder you get."

    The
    Bugster

    bugster, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  19. satya Moderator

    <i>I do want to thank all of you for your assistance on my past and future issues. It has helped me keep my client happy.</i><br />Glad to hear you found this site useful and probably we might say to customers of visit SSP in case of any problem [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />].<br /><br /><hr noshade size="1"><b>Satya SKJ</b><br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Contributing Editor & Forums Moderator<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com>http://www.SQL-Server-Performance.Com</a><br /><center><font color="teal"><font size="1">This posting is provided AS IS with no rights for the sake of <i>knowledge sharing.</i></font id="size1"></font id="teal"></center>
    satya, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  20. Roji. P. Thomas New Member

    <blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by bugster</i><br /><br />While working on an old posting issue, I came across this one and being a true db beginner, I believe I have used half of those excuses... lol<br />On that note; I do want to thank all of you for your assistance on my past and future issues. It has helped me keep my client happy. <br /><hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></font id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"><br />Thank you for letting us help you. It makes us feel better at the end of the day [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />Roji. P. Thomas<br /<a target="_blank" href=http://toponewithties.blogspot.com>http://toponewithties.blogspot.com</a><br />
    Roji. P. Thomas, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  21. FrankKalis Moderator

    Well said, Roji! Nothing to add to this. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-1.gif' alt=':)' />]<br /><br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a>
    FrankKalis, Dec 5, 2006
    #2

  22. ramkumar.mu New Member

    Frank,<br />seems you and Vicks think alike [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />] ... (attack is the best way of defense) [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />][<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br /><blockquote id="quote"><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id="quote">quote:<hr height="1" noshade id="quote"><i>Originally posted by FrankKalis</i><br /><br />Speaking of which, I strongly believe we should handle things like the Klingons:<br /><br />Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer <br /><br />10. Specifications are for the weak and timid! <br />9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! <br />8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! <br />7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. <br />6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. <br />5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. <br />4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code! <br />3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. <br />2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon. <br />1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!<br /><br />My favorites are 9, 4, and 3. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br /><br />Btw, just found these:<br />"C++? That is for children. A Klingon Warrior uses only machine code, keyed in on the front panel switches in raw binary." <br />"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Bugs are good for building character in the user." <br />"Defensive programming? Never! Klingon programs are always on the offense. Yes, Offensive programming is what we do best." <br /><br />Sound good, too. [<img src='/community/emoticons/emotion-2.gif' alt=':D' />]<br />--<br />Frank Kalis<br />Moderator<br />Microsoft SQL Server MVP<br />Webmaster:<a target="_blank" href=http://www.insidesql.de>http://www.insidesql.de</a><br /><hr height="1" noshade id="quote"></font id="quote"></blockquote id="quote"><br /><br />Thanks,<br />Ram<br /><br />"It is easy to write code for a spec and walk in water, provided, both are freezed..."
    ramkumar.mu, Dec 6, 2006
    #2
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